The Tale of The Carnivorous Baby

Once upon a time, long long ago, there lived a baby, still in the womb, who was called Bater. This baby was special. He was always doing something and loved to hear his Parents' voices. This baby, however, had a very interesting habit: he liked meat at 9:00 in the evening! He would make his Mommy make his Daddy go out and get meat, cheese and bread whenever he was hungry. He was carnivorous. It was soon after that he came into the world, only to find he could only have milk until he was older. Sad. Sad Bater! Now, how can I get the milk with meat supplement?

Still waiting.

-Bater

Moments of Clarity

Have you ever had a moment in your life when everything just becomes absolutely clear and all makes sense? Well that happened to me last night. Last night I was just sitting there pushing trying to figure out what to do, when all of a sudden it all made perfect sense: I was tuned sideways. I guess in all the hustle and bustle I forgot to make sure my head was always down. I had gotten turned on my side. Well, I'm back to where I should be. I hope to be coming out soon. Remember, it just takes time.

-Bater

Happy Week Day! - Due Date

Well, I am 40 weeks today! Wow. I am almost 20 inches long and weigh about like a small pumpkin. I am slowly making my way down. I guess I am supposed to come today, but I don't know if I am done or not. Anyways, I got an eviction notice from Grandma as well. Just this morning. It says, and I quote:

Final Eviction Notice. Please note that you have be given your final notice to vacate premises of mommy. Failure to do so will cause mass anxiety in grandparents and relatives alike.

I think she means business!

-Bater

The Wonderful World of Markers

So yesterday Mommy was organizing her markers. I was looking out through the UMBCam, and WOW, she has a LOT of markers! I really want to get out now! I moved down a little more because of it, but I am still a little hesitant about it. We'll see what happens. Anyways, time to sleep.

-Bater

Getting On Mommy's Nerves

So this will be a quick one. I am getting on Mommy's nerves. Literally. I am kicking, and by accident I am running into the nerves in her legs. Sorry Mommy! I'm just trying to get down, but you keep getting in the way. Oh well, at least you know I am consistant.

-Bater

On Sale Now...The Bater Snow Globe!

Get them now while supplies last! The new Bater Snow Globes! These are very unique: the baby just floats in the water. When you turn it over and over, the baby stays where he's at! Well it turns out...I am in a LOT of water. The Dr. examined me yesterday and when she would push on me I would just float away! I think I have an answer as to why...I didn't want to say anything but... Last week I was doing some dancing when I backed into the kitchen faucet and the faucet busted! Water went everywhere. I got it turned off but Mommy wouldn't let anything in that I could clean with, so now I am just floating around in my own personal swimming pool. Now, if I could find some white flakes that don't melt in water, and are biodegradable, then I would be the first baby snow globe in the world! Oh well, I guess I should just pop the bubble and let some water out.

-Bater

Slept In

So I just realized...I slept in! I slept the whole day through yesterday! I couldn't believe it. I woke up last night to a wonderful surprise...Ice cream. Mommy had some ice cream so I let her know I liked it...then she bribed me to come out. She bribed me with more ice cream. Well...maybe it is worth it.

-Bater

TIRED...The Tale of The Party

So I am sooooo tired! Last night, I stayed up all night kicking and moving as I was partying for the last time! I am now really tired! I have also worked my way lower in Mommy's tummy. I hope I get to where I should be today. I look forward to putting a face to my Mommy and Daddy's voices. Well, I'm tired. Time to sleep. Until tomorrow!

-Bater

Instructions

Ok. I think I got it. So, Grandma sent me an email yesterday, saying how I need to come now. She said that I need to pack everything up and just leave. I responded saying I couldn't figure out which way to go. She finally sent some instructions. She said take my USB key and drop it. Which ever way it falls, head that way and head towards the light. Well it worked...sort of. Every time I dropped it, Mommy would laugh and it would float and jostle and just not fall. I followed it one time and I found the blood didn't rush to my head. I realized then that I was positioned the correct way before. So I went back and started squirming and trying to head towards the light...then the light went out. It was night time. Oh well...guess I will try a little later today.

-Bater

Happy Week Day - 1 / 7

Happy Week Day all! This is it! My due date is in 7 days! Woohoo! I still want to come earlier, but we will see. I am more than 20 inches long and weigh a little more than 7 pounds. I'm about like a mini watermelon. So it is now just a waiting game! I have watched and re-watched the baby exiting video. It's a video that trains babies how to drop! Keep your hands and feet in at all times. Don't forget to pull the rip cord...well it's not perfect, it was adapted from a military training video for parachuting! So I am ready! I'm just waiting for the green light. I just wish I could see farther than 6 inches in front of me! I may be getting the green light already, but I wouldn't know. I also don't know what green is! Well have a good one, hope to see you all soon.

-Bater

The Proverbial Toothpick

I stuck a toothpick in me and it came out clean! I think I'm done. Last night Mommy and Daddy were over at Pyler and Widgie's house and boy were they laughing. Did you know it get's tight in here when Mommy laughs? Well, it turns out that I may not have to endure that any more. I have decided to come out. When? I don't know. But it will be in the next month! Anyways, I think I will stay here and sleep! Until tomorrow.

-Bater

The Almost

So last night was a night of weirdness. It was a night of Almost Lunacy, a night of Almost Contractions and a night of Almost Hysteria. It was a night of Laughter. There I was, listening to Mommy and Daddy talking in the car when all of a sudden Mommy was laughing uncontrollably. Turns out Daddy made a funny. He asked her if something was normal in pregnancy. She replied:"Who knows with pregnancy?" Upon which Daddy immediately replied:"The Shadow Knows!" Mommy was laughing for a whole 2-3 minutes. I almost wanted to run right out of here. It was very tight. I don't get the joke though. I turned to my shadow and asked him if he knew what was happening...but he just stared back. I don't know about these people, I will need to examine them when I get out of here.

-Bater

Instructions

Mommy...I'm sorry, but I just can't figure out how to get out of here. All yesterday you tried getting me to move more to the middle of your stomach, but I just can't figure out how to get out! I need instructions. Now, all of you have been in my position before, how did you do it? I need help. Should I break the water first or should I simply descend first. And by the way, which way is down. Up has always been above my head but now I am not sure. Love you Mommy. Coming soon.

-Bater

Oops! It Should Be 350 Not 35 Degrees

So Mommy and I had a Dr.'s appointment yesterday. I'm still here! Turns out that I am still soupy in the middle. Someone turned the oven down to 35 degrees instead of 350. I think I did that when I was break dancing the other night. Well, that means I have to turn the oven up to at least 450. So...as the midwife says I am sure I will be born in 30 days. Until then, happy cooking! Now where's my basting brush?

-Bater

My Kryptonite!

My name is Bater, and I have a weakness. Yesterday was a day of weakness for me. I found out that I can be easily manipulated. I found out that Mommy and Daddy love to manipulate me. I found out that I am ticklish! Mommy kept tickling me along my spine. I couldn't help but move! It felt so good and yet there was nothing I could do but move! It was my Kyptonite! There I admit it. I am a tickle-holic. Now, where is that back scratcher?

-Bater

Stretch Fest 2010

So yesterday was the world wide baby Stretch Fest 2010! all of the babies around the world at 10:00 am and on, stretched over and over for 3 hours. We could stretch in different ways and in different positions. I did the tiger stretch and lotus open stretch. Mommy didn't like it. Sorry again Mommy. You know, this being all out of space in here is really cramping my style! Oh well, I will just need to start coming.

-Bater

Happy Week Day - 2

Happy Week Day all! Yep still here. Daddy kept saying 14 but I didn't listen to him! I listened to Mommy...she feeds me. Anyways, I am about the size of a leek, 19 1/2 inches long, and weigh 6.8 pounds. It is all just a waiting game now! I guess yesterday, I was in the wrong position, the back of my head was down, so as I was kicking, I was hurting Mommy. Sorry Mommy! Anyways, I think I am the right way now, we will see. Well, like I said, now it all depends on Mommy and I getting our signals straight! I wanna get out of here! It is REALLY tight. Oh well, I guess I should sleep more. Oh and Daddy kept talking about using my egg tooth! Silly Daddy...I looked that up on google, only animals in eggs need one of those! I don't have one. Anyways, time to wait.

-Bater

The Final Eviction Notice

So I guess this is it! This morning I received a final eviction notice from Mommy. She says there is no more room and that she hurts. She wants her body back. Well...it has been a wonderful 9 months! I have learned so much and trained hard. I have done quite a bit. Seen a lot and had fun. I guess I need to pack up and start getting born. I hope to see you all real soon.

-Bater

P.S. - I just read that I have until the end of the month. Good thing I didn't push the birth button just now!

So You Think You Can Nap?

I love nap time! I love the show: So You Think You Can Dance! Yesterday was just so much fun. Mommy and I went shopping with Pyler and Widgie and just had a great time. We finished and then went home and napped. It was blissful. Just so happy. Well, then we watched a show called: So You Think You Can Dance. I totally agree that Lauren deserved to win. Anyways, after thinking about it I have determined to make my own TV show: So You Think You Can Nap! Each week, the contestants will be given a different position in which to nap and a different sleep condition to sleep with: i.e. napping with your feet in the air while snoring at the top of your lungs. We could have judges and everything! More points for authenticity. I like it. Well, time to nap while on my head with water around me(not for long though).

-Bater

Why The Water Breaks

So I think I have discovered the reason why the water breaks: madness! Madness is what will bring us together! You see, I have been upside down now for over a month! The sack is getting smaller and smaller and quite frankly, I have to stretch more and more to get comfortable! All of this together will result in my punching a whole in the water sack! I've been training for it for a while. Mommy keeps feeling me wiggle and wiggle and really it's just me trying to get out of here! But don't worry, one of these days it will happen and I will be born. At least that's the plan. Maybe it will take another year? ;)

-Bater

Scheduling Problems

So...if you haven't noticed I kind of want out of here. Well, there is just one minor problem...I have been delayed! I am in position and on the proverbial tarmac, but I hate to say it: I can't go anywhere! Turns out there are TONS of babies in the neighborhood that all being born this month. I am waiting until I get a birthday all to myself! (the 18th sounds good) (Mommy said that, it is stricken again!) I am ready. Mommy is ready. Daddy is impatient, yet we wait...endlessly....until I am 90 years old....oh well time to sleep!

-Bater

Impatient Waiting!

So it has come to my attention that you all are VERY excited and impatient for me to arrive! Mommy and Daddy are hinting to what day they want me to come. Grandmas and Grandpas are completely and most obviously excited with text after text. I am now putting my cord down: I will come when I come! (14 is a good number!) Pardon, that was a Daddy moment, I have stricken it from the record! Anyways, I will come when I come and it will be soon, but I will not tell you when!

-Bater

Oops! No More Water Fights!

Soooooo...yesterday I made an oops. There I was in the morning, with some friends, having a water fight. One of the water balloons got loose! Sorry Mommy! She thought her water broke. Well, I have dropped and things are progressing quite well. Things are getting tighter, I may be coming soon, but for now...I will sleep.

-Bater

Happy Week Day - 3

Happy Week Day All! Guess what? That's right, 3 weeks to go! I am 6 1/3 pounds now and the length of a Swiss chard stalk, about 19 inches. I am excited! I have loved it in here, but you know what, I'm done. I think I will start the process early...sssshhhhhhh don't tell Mommy. I want it to be a surprise! Anyways, yesterday was a good day. I slept and Daddy came home from his Lighting class and just spent time with Mommy and me. He rubbed my back and some times it tickled. Well time to sleep some more and finish getting ready for my big day. It takes a long time, it's kind of crowded in here.

-Bater

Mommy And I

So everyone has left. Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt E. We are alone. Me and Mommy. I am glad. It was really hard to be around that many people, but it was fun. So NOW I am going back to my sleeping schedule. It's important to sleep because I am coming soon. Well, until tomorrow.

-Bater

Who's Yo Daddy!?

So...Daddy is just plain weird! If you didn't know that...well believe it! I have irrefutable proof. Last night, I was asleep. I had been the whole day. I was tired. So Mommy, Aunt E, Grandma and Grandpa, and Daddy were all playing UNO attacks. As we were playing, Mommy was laughing as usual. I was content just sleeping. All of a sudden, Daddy leans over and says, in his best deep voice, who's yo Daddy? He said it right into my ear! It was nuts! It made NO sense! He knows who my Daddy is! Why would he say such things? So I googled it...now it makes sense...Americana is just plain weird!

-Bater

Who's Yo Daddy!?

So...Daddy is just plain weird! If you didn't know that...well believe it! I have irrefutable proof. Last night, I was asleep. I had been the whole day. I was tired. So Mommy, Aunt E, Grandma and Grandpa, and Daddy were all playing UNO attacks. As we were playing, Mommy was laughing as usual. I was content just sleeping. All of a sudden, Daddy leans over and says, in his best deep voice, who's yo Daddy? He said it right into my ear! It was nuts! It made NO sense! He know who my Daddy is! Why would he say such things? So I googled it...now it makes sense...Americana is just plain weird!

-Bater

Movements In A Confined Space

So I just want to let you know that I now have NO privacy what so ever! I am so cramped that when I move you can see everything I do! This was a new concept to me, so I simply slept all day yesterday. Anyways, I am doing well beyond that. Mommy and Daddy finished their birthing class yesterday so they are now certified to have me! It always feels good to know that your Mommy and Daddy have no clue about what is about to happen to them! ;) I love you Mommy! Don't worry I will go easy on you! I will only fill my diapers 2 times a day instead of 3.

-Bater

M.A.Y.B.E.

There are many of you out there who want me to come early. Sooner rather than later. I would LOVE to get out of here now as I am very cramped. However, Mommy is teaching me patience. She has placed her proverbial finger in the cake and determined I am still doughy inside. Alas, I will come when my thermometer sticks out. Please for the love of Mommy, vote for me to come around my due date. Thank you.

-Bater
(This has been a message sponsored by Mother's Against Young Birthing Enough. This does not represent the views of those who own and operate baterepistles.)

Ticklish

It's official. I am ticklish! I didn't even know what that was until my Aunt was rubbing my back and then...wham! I jerked. It was the weirdest sensation. It felt strange and I twitched without telling my body to twitch. It was euphoric though. If this is how life is going to be, let the birthing begin! Just so you know...I am NOT ticklish right below Mommy's belly button. ;)

-Bater

The Bouncing Ball of Doom

So lately, Mommy has been bouncing on a Yoga ball all the time she sits at the table. I think she wants to accustom me to it in case I cry when I get out. Well, that is all fine and dandy, except for one minor problem: it amplifies the sounds around me! Last night when Daddy made a loud noise I jerked! The sound was so loud. I couldn't figure out why until I realized it came from the ball which is right by my head. So for all you Daddys out there, please, be softer when around the bouncing ball of doom.

-Bater

Happy Week Day - 4

It's official. I am 36 weeks...9 months... Or however you want to look at it! I am gaining 1 oz of weight every day! I am also 18 1/2 inches long. Guess what? I am almost ready! There are so many things that Mommy thinks she needs to do, but you know what, it's ok! I love you Mommy! Anyways, I have been moving like crazy lately. Last night, as Mommy was laying down, I realized that I was a little chubby, so I started doing crunches. Up down. Up down. It must have looked crazy from outside. Daddy makes it sound like I am a shark...retiring to the deep then surfacing for a frenzy. That's right I am the rare and elusive bater shark!

-Bater